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24 February 2009 @ 08:14 pm
So life's been kind of crazy lately.  The LSATs are over, but I still don't have a job for next year and I'm getting to the point where I could really, really use one.  I don't want to move home, but if I don't find anything, then I don't really have a choice.  I guess things will all work out but I guess we'll really see.

I had a really  weird thing happen to me about two weeks ago now.  Craig emailed me and asked me to lunch because "it would be a shame if we never talked again."  This was after over a year of not talking to each other.  So seventy dollars for new jeans, a few anxious sleepless nights, and help on my outfit, hair and make -up later I met him.  It was the weirdest lunch date (for lack of a better word) ever.  We went to Bodo's for bagels and literally just sat there and caught up.  When that was done, we talked about people from high school, after that we kind of sat there awkwardly for a few minutes kind of running out the hour.  I really felt like he was trying to impress me.  He got a job but its in Richmond and its not anything special.  He got approved for a home loan, but who wants a house at 22?  It was weird and pretty uncomfortable.  I realized that I don't have feelings for him anymore, and kind of don't understand how i let myself get so hurt by someone like him.  I felt like he tried to undermine or minimize what we had.  He asked me questions that he knew the answers to (or at least should have known) but then at the same time, there were a few moments where it was obvious that i meant something to him.  The whole thing kind of broke my heart all over again.  Not over him though, over the fact that that part of my life is just so completely over.  Just another reminder about how things can't stay the same.  You know that that's how life is, but it was just a moment where it was in my face. 

But seeing him reminded me of how lonely I am.  I have had zero romantic anything happen since we broke up more than two years ago.  I used to be really afraid that I'd die alone, but now I'm afraid that I'll die alone and as a virgin.  I don't know why I can't seem to attract guys (i'm usually much better about hiding my insecurities in public, i let my guard down here); I'm not gorgeous but i'm not hideous either, and i'm a nice person so its not as if my personality is so disgusting that it pushes everyone away.  I worry that even if i do ever find a guy who isn't so revolted by me that he will actually sleep with me that it won't be special to him.  I'll just be whats-her-face that i slept with for a little while.  I hate that I can't talk about sex with my girlfriends...they seem to enjoy those conversations but i can't say anything about it.  I don't know.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of being lonely.  I'm tired of not having anything to do over the weekend because all of my girlfriends are hanging out with their boyfriends.  Hopefully real life will have better guys than uva does.
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
19 January 2009 @ 01:00 am
i'm back to school for my final semester and i've developed some new habits.  i've suddenly become an utlra neat freak and can't stop cleaning/reorganizing/rearranging.  second and a little more concerning is that i've become somewhat reclusive.  if i'm not at class or at work i'm in my room by myself.  i do work and stuff but i'm always by myself.  part of me is lonely but part of me is glad to be away from the drama.  i'm having a really hard time listening to any of my friends complain about anything.  since i've been back i haven't really wanted to talk to anyone about much of anything.  i kind of just really want a friend to come in and sit and talk with me.  or just sit with me and wait for me to talk.  i think there's something going on inside but i'm not real sure what it is....i can't vocalize it yet.  i don't know, hopefully i'll snap out of it soon, i'd like some good memories from my last semseter and not all of them of me just sitting in my room by myself. 
 
 
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
 
 
21 December 2008 @ 11:53 pm

i get on movie kicks where i have to watch the same movie over and over and over.  right now my latest movie love is love actually.  since i've watched it about 9 times since the beginning of november (and am watching it again right now) i feel like i've become pretty aquainted with the plot and characters of the movie.  the delicacies and types of love.  i've tried to match myself with one character but have found that to be impossible and rather see myself in several of the characters.

the first of which is sarah (laura linney's character).  although i luckily do not have any sort of family problems like she does, i do find myself hopelessly crazy about a guy who, although he knows i exist, it just doesn't seem like anything will ever happen between the two of us.  (i feel a need to document this attraction but feel like it deserves an entry of its own).

the second of which is actually billy mack's manager.  true i am not a fat, balding, middle aged, music producer, his love life seems as empty and bleak as mine does. 

the third is natalie, hugh grant's love interest.  like i mentioned above my love life doesn't appear to have the zing that her's does.  but i too was dumped (in part) because i was getting too fat.  also i tend to like the politically good-looking type.

i guess when i watch this i wonder what will happen to me, what will become of me.  will i have a happy ending?  will i meet someone who loves and values me?  i really just want to love and be loved in return.  to have someone hold me close, to feel someone special's kiss.  i want to fall in love, but i don't know how to meet anyone to fall in love with.  some people say that the right guy will eventually come into my life but i wonder what if he never does?  i don't really believe in soul mates, its so sad to think that you belong with just one other person in the world, and without them you can never be truly happy.  what if they are your soulmate but you are not theirs?  or what if they don't wait to find you?  if one person ends up with their not-soulmate it starts a whole chain of events that winds up matching people with people who aren't their soulmates....then what happens to those who get left outside the chain?  i have a lot of love to give, and i love with all my heart.  i'm a good person, and i don't feel like i deserve to be alone (i don't think anyone deserves to be alone) but what happens if i end up alone?  maybe 2009 will bring a change in my luck................we'll see.............

 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
18 December 2008 @ 12:07 am
i know i just posted an entry about how i'd like to use this page but i think a description of myself may be helpful before really getting into the issues i'd like to discuss.

i'm 21 years old and i go to uva.  i'm in my fourth year there, studying political science and english.  i think i'd like to go to law school, but i'm not postitive yet (i'm taking next year off from school - hoping that some work experience will help my application).  i think i'd eventually like to get into politics but in the sense of working for a senator/congress member rather than being one....but you never know, right?!  i'm a nice person (i've been told this on multiple occasions).  i don't have tons and tons of friends, i'm more likely to have a few very close friends rather than a lot of semi-close ones.  i've had the same best friend since i was 11; she's like a sister to me.  i love to read, shop and go to the beach.  i love cats and dogs.  i'm single, very single.  i'm pretty close with my family.  i've never been out of the country.  i desperately want to fall in love. 

i had a long term boyfriend.  we dated from my junior year in high school until just after christmas of my second year at uva.  he dumped me suddenly because he needed to see what other girls were like before he could totally commit to me (read: i want to party a lot, which is just what he did after we broke up).  it took three weeks for him to get over our three year long relationship.  he broke my heart.  it took me a long time to get over it, and i don't think i'm still totally over it.  i don't really trust guys and have been really afraid to put myself out there since then.  my love life has been basically at a standstill ever since.  the brief opportunities will more than likely be discussed in a later entry.  i gained a lot of weight when i was with him,  and even more after we broke up.  i've seen a lot of people around me meet people, and i don't understand why i can't, but maybe it has something to do with my hesitancy to put myself out there.  a broken heart hurts, a lot. and i never want to feel that again.  i wouldn't even wish that pain on my ex.

i'v been on weight watchers since july 2, 2008.  when i joined i weighed 188.6 pounds.  i joined partially because my best friend is getting married in july 2009 and i'd like to feel like i look good on a day that i know will be pretty dififcult for me (its selfish i know, but i guess that's how i'm going to be for this, i'd never tell this to her, but it is in the back of my mind).  mostly i joined because 200 was just around the corner.  so was the plus section.  i've always hated my body, and i decided to do something about it.  on december 4, i weighed in at 167.6 - 21 pounds lost!  last week i weighed in at 171.6 (17 pounds lost, and four pounds gained in a week).  i was embarrassed i let myself gain that much but finals are a really miserable time for me, and i was much healthier this time around than exam cycles in the past when i lived on chips and chocolate.  my goal is to be 140 - i'm a muscular build, so i'll never be 120.  i started at a size 14 (with 16 knocking) but i'm down to a 10/12, which is big for me.  i'd love to be a 6/8.  i weigh in tomorrow night and i'm still a little nervous...i couldn't follow the plan as much as i would have liked because i was still taking tests and every other thing in my life kind of takes a back burner during finals for me. 

thats all for now.  i'd like to get up early to exercise tomorrow morning to prep myself as best i can before tomorrow night.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
 
 
17 December 2008 @ 11:54 pm
so losing weight is hard, its really hard.  anyone who's ever tried to do it, knows just how hard it can be.  anyone trying to do so while away at college knows just how close to impossible it is.  i've been on weight watchers since july 2, 2008.  i've been doing pretty well on it.  as of two weeks ago i've lost 21 pounds on it.  last week i gained four pounds back mostly due to the stress of finals.  i''ve changed my mind several times about how i'd best like to use this blog, but i think this is a really great use of this space.  i love weight watchers and i love etools associated with the program, but i think the meetings and the website don't quite cover everything for thinning college students.  i know i've faced some challenges on my weight loss journey that people in my meetings have not felt as well as things that maybe aren't readily covered online.  some of these things include:
1. roommate issues
2. self-image
3. dating
4. university stress
5. drinking/partying

i hope i can help people through the use of this site, and that maybe people could help me on my own weight loss journey!
 
 
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
 
 
 
05 September 2008 @ 11:47 pm
I've had this account for a while now and I'd really like to use it to explain and talk about my life and last year of college.
 
 
Current Mood: creativecreative